How I Think About Anger

Anger is a fundamental human emotion that signals when our boundaries have been crossed, our needs are unmet, or our values are challenged. It often stems from deeper, sometimes unconscious, emotional conflicts or past experiences. While often stigmatized, anger, when understood and navigated thoughtfully, can be a powerful force for depth of both personal insight and interpersonal connection. I treat anger not just as an isolated emotion to be managed but as a doorway to understanding the self in relation to others.

While anger itself is not inherently negative, it’s essential to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy expressions of anger:

1. Healthy Anger: Healthy anger involves assertively expressing one’s needs, setting boundaries, and addressing injustices in a constructive manner. It can motivate individuals to take action, assert their rights, and advocate for change without resorting to aggression or violence.

2. Unhealthy Anger: Unhealthy expressions of anger may involve aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior, verbal or physical violence, or the suppression of emotions. Chronic or unresolved anger can contribute to relationship conflicts, physical health problems, and emotional distress if not addressed.

How I Work with Anger

In therapy, I try to create a safe, non-judgmental space where anger can be explored, expressed, and understood within a relational context. This process involves delving into the personal history, emotional patterns, and relational dynamics that shape one’s ideas about and experience of anger. Through this exploration, individuals can learn to recognize the signals anger provides, communicate their needs more clearly, and use anger constructively to advocate for themselves and improve their relationships.

Recognizing and working through anger can lead to significant personal growth and emotional resilience. It allows individuals to reclaim their power, set healthy boundaries, and engage more authentically with themselves and others. In this light, anger is not a problem to be fixed but an opportunity to deepen self-awareness and enrich our relationships.

In addition to helping clients better understand anger and use it to better understand themselves, I also work with people to build skills to better regulate and express anger more effectively. Here are some of the approaches that inform this aspect of the work:  

1. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT might be the gold standard when it comes to structured psychoeducation and skills training. DBT teaches clients skills to understand and regulate their emotions, improve interpersonal relationships, tolerate distress, and practice mindfulness.

2. Mentalization-Based Treatment (MBT): Mentalization refers to the ability to understand the mental states—thoughts, feelings, wishes, and needs—that underlie one’s own and others’ behaviors. MBT addresses anger by enhancing the ability to mentalize, especially in emotionally charged situations. This process helps individuals recognize and understand the feelings and thoughts that precede anger, thereby improving emotional regulation and reducing impulsive reactions.

3. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT teaches individuals how to identify and challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs contributing to anger. CBT also teaches coping skills such as relaxation techniques, problem-solving, and assertive communication.