Conflict avoidance is a behavioral and psychological pattern where an individual seeks to evade, suppress, or otherwise steer clear of disagreements, confrontations, or any situation that might lead to conflict. People pleasing (also called over-accommodation) is a common means of conflict avoidance whereby people habitually agree with others or go along with something they disagree with to avoid confrontation.

How I Think About and Work with Conflict Avoidance and People Pleasing

Like most behaviors, conflict avoidance and people pleasing can be natural and sometimes strategic choices—in this case, to preserve harmony or prevent escalation in certain situations. When these behaviors become pervasive patterns, however, they can lead to unresolved issues, strained relationships, and diminished personal growth. By focusing on the individual’s inner life and relational patterns, therapy offers a powerful framework for understanding and transforming the ways in which people avoid conflict. Understanding the nuances of conflict avoidance can help in identifying and addressing its underlying causes and potential impacts.

As clients work through their conflict avoidance, they often experience broader personal growth. This can include improved self-esteem, deeper and more satisfying relationships, and a more authentic engagement with life. Here’s how I specifically addresses conflict avoidance:

Development of Self-Awareness and Insight 

1. Identifying Fears and Beliefs: Fears and beliefs underlying conflict avoidance often include fear of rejection, abandonment, or beliefs about being unworthy of having one’s needs met. Understanding these can illuminate why avoiding conflict feels necessary for survival or emotional safety.

2. Connecting Emotions and Behaviors: By linking avoidant behaviors to their emotional roots, therapy helps clients see how avoiding conflict is a strategy to manage anxiety, protect self-esteem, or preserve relationships. This insight is crucial for change.

3. Unpacking Historical Context: Conflict-avoidant behaviors are often rooted in early life experiences, such as family dynamics where conflict was handled in maladaptive ways or where expressing disagreement was not safe.

Emphasis on the Therapeutic Relationship

1. Corrective Emotional Experiences: The relationship between therapist and client serves as a live platform for encountering and working through conflict. In a safe and supportive environment, clients can experiment with expressing disagreement or dissatisfaction, learning that conflict does not necessarily lead to the negative outcomes they fear.

2. Transference and Countertransference: We pay close attention to transference (the client’s projection of past feelings and attitudes onto the therapist) and countertransference (the therapist’s emotional reaction to the client). These dynamics can reveal patterns of conflict avoidance and provide opportunities for therapeutic intervention.

Building New Skills and Capacities

1. Assertiveness Training: Clients learn how to express their needs, feelings, and opinions in direct, healthy ways. This involves practicing assertiveness in the therapeutic setting, which can then be transferred to other relationships.

2. Emotional Regulation: Therapy provides strategies for managing the intense emotions that conflict can evoke. Learning to tolerate and regulate these emotions is key to engaging in conflict more constructively.

3. Interpersonal Skills: Beyond assertiveness, clients develop broader interpersonal skills, such as active listening, empathy, and negotiation, which can make conflict less daunting and more manageable.

4. Outside the Therapy Room: Clients are encouraged to engage in “relational experiments” in their daily lives, where they practice new ways of handling conflict and observe the outcomes. These real-world experiments can build confidence and reinforce the benefits of facing rather than avoiding conflict.

I aim to offer a profound and transformative approach to addressing conflict avoidance, emphasizing emotional healing, relational repair, and the development of healthier ways of relating to oneself and others. Through this therapeutic journey, individuals can learn to navigate conflict with greater confidence and resilience, leading to more fulfilling and authentic lives.